Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt
by Jet Engine
Summary: Greetings! It is I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, here to tell you all about the various things you should like or hate. You may know me from my appearances on YouTube, but now I'm taking over Fanfiction! Now, all I have to do is blast you with my read-inator, so you'll read my Daily Dirts. Also, if there's a topic you'd like me to cover, just let me know.
1. Cartoons Turned Live-Action Movies

**Cartoons Turned Live-Action Movies**

"Welcome, one and all, to Doof's Daily Dirt! Brought to you by Jet Engine, who I brainwashed- I mean _persuaded_ to put me on Fanfiction. If it wasn't for my persuation-inator- I mean, the kindness of that girl I wouldn't be here, rambling, right now. I'd-I'd probably be perched in front of the TV, watching _Horse in a Bookcase_ or _The Platypus an His Girlfriend_, or something else that distracts me from evil.

You know what bugs me? When people take cartoons and turn them into blockbuster films. Now, that's not bad on its own, but what's bad is when they turn the cartoon into _a live-action_ _film_. W-why do they do that? Why can't they just keep the movie animated? I-if it's going to be a movie made from a cartoon, shouldn't it _stay_ a cartoon? It just-it just doesn't work, for me. I-I mean, _Smurfs, Smurfs 2, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_. They were all live-action movies that started out as cartoons. Oh, and let's not forget when the various live-action 'Scooby Doo' and 'Fairly Odd Parents' films. I actually watched the first 'Fairly Odd Parents' one. It was, uh, it-it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good, either. I-I give it a... Maybe a five or six out of ten. It wasn't great; it wasn't horrible.

I know you may feel different. You may like these live-action films. Hey, that's your opinion, and your entitled to it. Until I take over, of course. Then, your entitled to _my_ opinion. But, until then, you are free like and hate things, as you please.

So, that about covers it. Catch ya next time on Doof's Daily Dirt!"


	2. Addicting Apps

**Addicting Apps**

"Salutations, future minions and underlings! It is I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, here to discuss yet another thing that you should hate. One word: Apps.

Did you know that you can download games and such on to your phone? Vanessa recently informed me of this. I-I guess it's some new, hip thing all the youngsters are doing. And, since I'm hip, I figured that I sure be doing it, too. So, I downloaded a couple of games that sounded interesting, and you know what happened? _I couldn't stop playing them_! Seriously, I was playing those stupid games, until Perry the Platypus came, and I realized that I'd wasted over an hour of evil-scheming, playing those stupid games!

And, you know what's worse? Not only do you have to pay for these games, but like eighty percent of them have _in-app purchases_! That means that you have to _spend money_ to play the games to their fullest. I get that the game designers need to make money, but _come on_! Don't they know that _some people_ have bills to pay and groceries to buy and inators to build?

Fortunately, there's a silver-lining for me. That silver-lining is the idea for the app-inator! It will implant subtle hints into the most downloaded apps on the Internet. Hints that I should be _the ruler of the entire Tri-State Area_! Ahahahahahaha- _*cough cough*_ _Swallowed a fly!_ _*cough* *ahem*_ Heheh. Sorry about that. Y-you know what? I think I'll stop talking, before I embarrass myself any worse. Catch ya next time on Doof's Daily Dirt!"


	3. Disney and My Little Pony

**My Little Pony was requested by BlytheLPSGirl2012. Disney was requested by a guest named Fan.**

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**Disney and My Little Pony**

"Hello, friends, enemies, possibly Perry the Platypus. Wait, should I put Perry the Platypus under the friend or enemy category? I-I mean, we have that-that _thing_ going on between us. You know what I'm talking about. Sometimes we're acting like the best of friends, and sometimes we're physically and cartoonishly harming one another. It gets very confusing.

Over the years, we've seen various cartoons from Disney, and I am going to discuss how I feel about some of them. The 7D. This is a pretty new show. Not a lot of episodes yet, but I can tell that this show is going to be on air for a while. A-at least three seasons. Wander Over Yonder. Admittedly, I've never actually seen this show. But, judging by the commercials for it, I'd say it's probably one of those shows that looks stupid but has a couple one-liners or something. Gravity Falls. This one's really good. Not only is it hilarious, but it's so suspenseful. What will the characters encounter? How will they deal with it? I tell ya, that show is TV gold. My Little Pony. As far as I can tell, it's a show for little girls. No offense to all you bronies, but I don't how it would appeal to boys or adults.

Whoops. I just remembered that My Little Pony is _not_ a Disney show. I believe it's actually on The Hub. My bad. Oh well. Catch ya on the flip-flop!"


	4. Frenemies

**irresistiblecookie requested the topic. BlytheLPSGirl2012 wanted to know Doof's favorite trap.**

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**Frenemies**

"Good day, everybody! Or, good night. I-it depends on when you decide to read this.

Let's discuss a topic that I know a lot about: frenemies. For those of who don't know, a frenemy is a person or animal, who beats you senseless some days and hangs out and watches soap opera reruns with you other days. It is the combination of 'friend' and 'enemy,' hence the word 'frenemy.' Just like how the words 'can' and 'not' merge to become 'can-knot,' which...I guess is cans that are...tied together or something. Or, maybe I'm thinking of something else.

Anyway, it's important to learn how to deal with having a frenemy, and I'd be happy to explain it. On days when you two are fighting, be sure to trap him first. I'd recommend a cage or a rope-trap of some sort, or my personal favorite: a gingerbread house that's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Next, he will escape. Then, you two fight, and you are ultimately defeated. It's... It's a never-ending cycle, folks. But, on days when you two are _not_ fighting, then go ahead and welcome him in. Maybe offer him a snack or a cup of coffee. You can even trap him, if you feel like it. He'll punch you, but it's still kind of fun to see the surprised look on his face when he's trapped.

So, that about covers it. And, hey, if want me to talk about something, review or PM me your request. See you in the next update! And, remember to keep calm and be evil!

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**The gingerbread trap was from the episode "Just Desserts."**


	5. Wearable Stuffed Animals

**Wearable Stuffed Animals**

"Welcome, one and all, to Doof's Daily Dirt! The only fanfiction - that I know of - that discusses various pop culture whats-its, like _Supernatural_ and _Pokemon_ and other things that exist in the world.

So, lately I've been seeing this commercial that advertises these things called 'Janimals.' Janimals are apparently these stuffed animals that can be dissected and turned in pajamas. I think that's where they got the name. Now, these things, I'll admit, seem pretty darn cute, you know, for the kids. It's like buying a toy _and_ pajamas at the same time. I tell ya, these things are probably big with children.

What I don't understand is why they're advertised as though _adults_ would wear them. O-okay, I _suppose_ there are grown-ups out there, who wouldn't mind wearing a Janimal to bed, and that's fine. But, the commercial says - and this is an _actual_ quote from the commercial - 'Wear your Janimals to the mall, and have a ball!' Seriously, who would do wear those things in public? You don't see _me_ prancing around dressed up like a unicorn! O-okay, I did that once, but it was Perry the Platypus's fault!

Well, looks like that's all the time we have, for today. Review, follow, favorite, all that happy stuff."


	6. Books Made Into Movies

**HeinzDoofenshmirtz requested the topic of _Divergent_, but I thought I'd expand that a bit.**

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**Books Made Into Movies**

Hola! Como estas? I-I have no idea what that means, but I'm pretty sure it's a greeting of some sort.

I've come to the conclusion that books are usually better than the movies made from them. Mostly because I hate going to the movies. I think I mentioned that on a different Daily Dirt. But, seriously, I always seem to prefer the book over the movie. I don't know how you feel on the subject matter, but that's how I feel.

Let's name some examples. Okay, so there's _Vampire Academy_. I've never read the books, but my daughter has. She seemed to like them. She also rented the movie. I actually watched it with her. It wasn't bad. _Divergent_ is another one. I actually read this one. A-again, prefer the book to the movie, but the movie was pretty good. Oh, here's one that both myself _and_ Vanessa read and later watched: _Red Riding Hood_. Love it! Great story. I never saw the ending coming.

So, in conclusion movies based on books are pretty good. Just not as good as the books themselves. Review or else! I'm just kidding. Seriously, though, review. You know you want to review. Review. It's not that hard. Why are you still reading this, when you could be reviewing?


	7. Phineas and Ferb

**Request from Platyfan 101.**

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**Phineas and Ferb**

Welcome all to Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today, I'd like to talk about this TV show I've recently discovered. So, there I was, flipping through channels, when I came across this show on Disney XD, called "Phineas and Ferb." It's pretty good. It's funny, and there are a healthy dose of songs thrown in. "Phineas and Ferb" is about these two boys named, well, Phineas and Ferb, who build elaborate machines. That's where I really made a personal connection. 'Cause, as you know, I too build elaborate machines. The only difference is that their inventions don't get destroyed by secret agents. And, they are brothers, who actually get along. And, they're younger than me. And- A-actually, there are quite a few differences between me and those boys.

But, you know what kinda freaks me out? There's sub-plot to the show that features _me_ and _Perry the Platypus_! It-it's not even actors playing us. It's our actual, physical forms, duking it out. Every one of the sub-plots has actually happened to us! In real life! There is obviously someone stalking us and putting our cartoon violence on an actual cartoon! I tried to tell Perry the Platypus about my stalker-theory, and he just gave one of his looks. You know what I'm talking about. When he looks at me, like he'd rather do anything but listen to me babble.

I will find that stalker, and I _will_ bring him to justice! This I swear! Hey, maybe you all could help me. Review if you want to help. And, even if you don't want to. FYI, you know you want to help me catch that stalker.


	8. MMORPG

**Request from Galaxina-the-Seedrian.**

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**M.M.O.R.P.G.**

Greetings, ladies, gentlemen, Norm. Welcome to another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today's topic is one that I have absolutely no clue about: M-morp-G. What is this strange word? What could it possibly mean? No one can say. And, do you know _why_ no one can say? It's because it's an INTERNET MYSTERY! Remember that? From a different Daily Dirt? It has an echo, but you can't tell, since this is typed instead of filmed.

Anyway, today I'm going to try and figure what exactly an M-morp-G is. Let's see... One can only assume that the M and the G stand for something. Maybe...Mindy-morp-Guys. No, that doesn't make any sense. How about, um...Monkeys-morp-Girdles. Okay, that makes even less sense.

Oh, I hear the phone. Back in a sec.

...

Well, this is embarrassing. Jet Engine just called me and informed me that M-morp-G is actually the acronym: M.M.O.R.P.G. It apparently stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game, which I find to be rather enjoyable. So, thanks for making me feel stupid, Jet Engine. FBNRL.

Hm. I guess that's about it. Review and...such...


	9. Fandoms and Perryshmirtz

**The topic of fandoms was requested by Ms. Becket. Also, I do ship Perryshmirtz. This is just how Doof probably feels about it.**

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**Fandoms and Perryshmirtz**

Hello! Welcome to Doof's Daily Dirt! Today, I'm going to tell you about two things that I despise! I'm discussing them both in the same Daily Dirt, because they're connected.

The first one is fandoms. Fandoms consist of groups of nerds, who have no lives outside of television and comic books and things in that nature. Why do I hate these people? Because...they have no lives outside of television and comic books and things in that nature! Seriously, guys, why don't you, I don't know, go flirt with pretty people or steal a pie off a window sill or build an inator or do something besides worship things that aren't me! You all are wasting your lives! All these fanfictions and shippings. It's ridiculous, I tell you!

Speaking of shippings, let's get discuss- Well, first I should probably explain what "shipping" is. Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with the ships you use on the water. Shipping is a fandom's romantic pairing of two fictional characters. I'm going to tell you about _the worst ship ever_! Perryshmirtz. You know what that is? That is the "romantic" pairing of myself and Perry the Platypus. There are all kinds of problems with it! For one thing, neither of us is gay. Okay, I'm not quite if Perry the Platypus is gay, but I'm certain that I'm not. Also, we are _nemeses_. This implies that we strongly dislike each other. Sort of. And, what part of Perry the _Platypus_ are you people not getting? He's a _platypus_! I'm a _human_! Think about it!

Whew. Glad I got that off my chest. Catch ya next time on Doof's Daily Dirt, which...is more like, every couple of days, come to think of it.


	10. Rock 'n' Roll vs Boy Bands

**Rock 'n' roll was requested by irresistiblecookie.**

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**Rock 'n' Roll vs Boy Bands**

Greetings, everyone who is a Doofian! That's the name I'm giving my minions. You know, Doof, minion, put them together, and you get Doofian! Anyway, today I thought I'd do something a little different. I'm going to analyze two types of music and see which one is worse.

First up is rock 'n' roll. I just want to point out the spelling, real quick. Rock '_n_' roll? Why is there an N? Why not 'and?' Rock _and_ roll makes much more sense to me. Moving right along, let's get to the analysis of the music, itself. Rock 'n' roll - commonly referred to as 'rock' - is often loud, and there's usually a lot of incoherent screaming. I don't know what my daughter sees in this music. I mean, how can she pick out the lyrics through all the screaming? Or, am I thinking of screamo? Eh, whatever.

Our second type of music is boy bands. I know that's not technically a genre, but I think it should be. I mean, it's grown in popularity. It really has. The thing about boy bands is that you can understand the lyrics. However, in some cases, you _don't want__ to_ understand the lyrics. I've heard boy band songs that were all lovey and dovey and what-not. Fortunately, not all boy band songs are like this, but there is a reason that TV shows are constantly making fun of boy bands. There actually an episode of _Gravity Falls_ that featured a boy band that was - I'm not making this up - grown from pods. Oh, that was a good episode!

So, which music is worse? Hm... I'm gonna call it a tie. I know some of you may like one or both of these genres, but they're just not my cup of tea, so to speak. I prefer show tunes and jazz and that PFT song, _Gitchee Gitchee Goo_. It's quite catchy.


	11. First Time Responding

**First Time Responding**

Wazzup, homies? This is the D-Man here, telling you what all's goin' down! Wow...I have absolutely no idea what I just typed. I should probably delete it, but my backspace button stopped working. Now, if I make a typo, I cant- See? There's one, now! There should be an apostrophe in can't, but I can't go back and fix it. Curse you, backspace buton! Oh, darn it! Now, I spelled button wrong! I've got to be more careful with my typing, until I can get that button fixed.

Anyway...today's Daily Dirt will feature me responding to all your little reviews! Now, a lot of you gave me some very nice reviews, and I'd like to thank you for that. Let's get started with responding, shall we?

tmnt love: You want me to compare _Hunger Games_ and _Divergent_? Well, I've never seen _Hunger Games_ or read the book, but it's obviously popular. I should really read it. Or, see the movie. I do recall Perry the Platypus reading that book once, while he was trapped in glass box.

irresistiblecookie: I _do_ hate One Direction. Although, I think it's kinda cool that all their hair - except for the one guy - goes in _one direction_. I still think that's where they got the name. Also, how can you say that I'm a bad singer? You, sir or ma'am, clearly have no taste in music, if you think that I'm a bad singer. Also, Harry Potter? Love it!

BlytheLPSGirl2012: Doctor Who's pretty cool. But, he's nowhere near as cool as me! He's cooler than Dr. Fish, though. I assume you've seen that Daily Dirt. You know, the one with Vine and Dr. Fish?

HeinzDoofenshmirtz: How dare you pass yourself off as me!? I'm kidding. You obviously worship me.

UltimateWarriorFan4Ever: I don't know much about Batman. I used to think he was evil, because of his - you know - black uniform, but apparently he's not. I guess Ben Affleck coud pass off as him. Also, I think that WWE is a little over-priced. I mean, $9.99 for a channel that I, personally, will hardly watch? That is definitely evil.

lindseywoosley: Yeah, YouTube almost ruined my life with that high school video of me. Life lesson, folks, _always_ look in the box.

I know I didn't get _everybody_, but I'm evil, so deal with it! Besides, I'll post another one of these at some point. Fortunately, I blasted myself with my anti-typo-inator, so I don't have as many things to delete. Until next time, cronuts!


	12. The Burger King Pie Man

**The Burger King Pie Man**

Welcome to another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today, I'm going to discuss something a guy posted online. A post, which details his wonderfully vengeful scheme! Okay, so this guy was apparently having a rough day. We all have those. I have them more often than some people. Anyway, the guy's in line at Burger King, and there's this kid behind him, causing total ruckus. Mostly by hitting his mother, making a big fuss about his video game, and continuously screaming, "I want a pie!" When the guy politely tells the kid's mother to control her child, she gets all huffy with him! She doesn't even act like the kid's causing any problems!

So, what does he do? He purchases every single pie they had! When the mother tries to order her little brat a pie, she's all like "What do you mean you don't have any pies left!? Who bought them all!?" The cashier points to the guy who bought them, and mother shoots him a death-glare. Probably something like the one Perry the Platypus gave me, after I accidentally blasted his green-haired kid with my electric-shock-inator. Perry the Platypus then proceeded to chase me around with a _fork_ for, like, an _hour_!

Sorry. I'm getting off topic. As I was saying, the mother shoots him a death-glare, and guess what the guy does? He takes a big ol' bite out of one of the pies! Oh, I can only imagine the look on the mother's face! It must have been priceless! Hey, I know what I'm going to scheme tomorrow! I'm going to steal all the pies in the entire Tri-State Area!

Now, I bid you farewell, as I go and get started on... my pie-inator! Yeah, that's a good name for it.


	13. Internet Memes

**Request from Galaxina-the-Seedrian.**

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**Internet Memes**

Hello, minions, underlings, ex cetera. It's time for another addition to Doof's Daily Dirt! Which...isn't actually posted daily, come to think of it.

There are a lot of popular little Internet memes, these days. Allow me to name some and express my opinion on them. My favorite is that Grumpy Cat. It's basically this cat that always looks angry. Kinda like Perry the Platypus, but less charismatic. And, I've recently discovered that cat's face really does look like that! It's so weird! That cat could be the happiest animal alive. But, we don't know that, because it looks _un_happy! Hm. I wonder if it's like that for Perry the Platypus. No, I've seen him smile. I guess he's trying to look professional.

Oh, here's one: The Cake is a Lie. That one makes no sense. How can cake be a lie? Unless, it's an _evil_ cake. No, that doesn't make sense, either. Maybe it _looks_ good, but it _tastes_ evil. That makes sense.

Those are just the two I know about. There are _hundreds_ of Internet memes. Hundreds, I tell you! Why are there so many? I guess some people just have nothing better to do, than to post their ideas...hm...

If anyone needs me, I'll be working on my meme-inator. So, I bid you farewell. Oh, and don't forget to review and-or make a request.


	14. Frozen

**Frozen**

Salutations, everyone! Welcome to Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today's topic is that animated movie that, like, ninety-five percent of the planet has seen at least once. That's right. I'm talking about _Frozen_. Two words: Love it! Now, I am a big fan of musicals and animated movies, and _Frozen_ combines the them, forming one awesome movie! Even Perry the Platypus, the most serious and mature guy I know, has seen it. I know this, because, I've caught him listening to _Let It Go_ on his- Well, I can't afford the rights to say what it's called, so I'll call it the iDoohickey. He was listening to _Let It Go_ on his iDoohickey. He was doing it, while I was telling him my evil scheme, which bugged me. Hm. Come to think of it, maybe he has kids who he watched the movie with. He doesn't strike me as someone who would watch movies, like that, on his own.

Which reminds me: I'm actually working on a parody of _Do You Want to Build a Snowman?_ I call it _Do You Want to Build an Inator?_ Here's what I got so far.

_Hey, do you want to build an inator?_

_Come on, let's go be evil._

That's all I got. I can't seem to think of anything that rhymes with "evil." Eh, I'll work on it.

Well, that concludes today's installment of Doof's Daily Dirt.


	15. The Lego Movie

**Request from Rosa Blythe.**

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**The Lego Movie**

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, here with another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt.

Now, I'm sure everyone has played with Legos at some point in their lives. Well, everyone except me. You see, we didn't have Legos back in Drusselstein, but if we did, my parents probably wouldn't have let me play with them anyway. Although, Vanessa had some when she was little, and she seemed to like them. Plus, they've been around for years, so they're obviously popular.

In fact, Legos have become so popular that there is actually an animated movie featuring Lego-style characters: _The Lego Movie_. I know, the title is _so creative_. That was sarcasm. The title's not creative. Not in the least, which is a shame, because the movie isn't bad. It's funny, it's colorful. My one complaint, though, is that they play the same song over and over. Well, let me tell you, song, that everything is _not_ awesome, when you have to continuously play the same song to the point when the song is in your head, and you have build an inator to get it out.

Well, I guess that ends my rant. Review, favorite, follow, and most importantly, be evil!


	16. Ariana Grande

**Ariana Grande**

What's up, everyone? It's time for Doof's Daily Dirt, and the dirt is on Ariana Grande!

For those of you who don't know, Ariana Grande is an actress and a singer. She has two albums out. At least, I think it's two. I'm not sure if the second one is out yet, but you get the picture. If you don't know her from her music, you'll probably know her from her appearances on television. She played Cat - a goofball with synthetically red hair - on _Victorious_, as well as its spin-off series, _Sam and Cat_. You know what bugs me about those shows? Neither of them had an actual final episode! They just ended the shows without a big finale of some kind! Why would they do that? Who benefits from this?

Anyway...there are rumors that Ariana may be turning into a bit of a diva. Apparently, she's been insulting her fans and being rude to her co-workers and such. Now, keep in mind that these are just rumors. I don't know if they're true, but I thought that I should point them out. Mostly because 'diva' is just a hop-skip-and-jump away from 'evil.' So, Ariana, if you're reading this, and you're considering a career in evil, call me. I'd be happy to hire you on to the Doofenshmirtz team. And, if I'm totally wrong, and you're actually a really nice girl, then...please don't sue me or whatever you celebrities do when someone says untrue things about you on the Internet.

Yeah... I'm just gonna stop there. Review, my minions! Review, like you've never reviewed before!


	17. The Ice Bucket Challenge

**Request from UltimateWarriorFan4Ever.**

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**The Ice Bucket Challenge**

Welcome back to Doof's Daily Dirt!

Let me tell you about a popular Internet trend: the ice bucket challenge! Here's how it works: You post a video of you dumping a bucket of ice water on yourself, and you hashtag it, "alsicebucketchallenge." This trend is a strange, yet effective, means of raising awareness of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. ALS, for short. It's not a great acronym, but it's better than OWCA. I'll give it that.

Now, while the ice bucket challenge isn't _technically_ evil, it _is_ evil in a sense. Think about it. Someone is persuading you to dump freezing cold water on your head. That leaves you freezing your little bottom off, and it probably makes you sick. Well, I guess the chance of getting sick from this is rather slim, but it's there. It is definitely there. So, when you think about it, the ice bucket challenge is _indirectly_ evil! Sort of...

I suppose that's...really all I have to say about the ice bucket challenge. Maybe I could use it to take over the Tri-State Area! I'll work on that.

Anyway, your future ruler is out. Peace!


	18. Skylanders

**Skylanders**

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz here with another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt! Where we get the dirt on pop culture things...on a not-so daily basis.

Today's Daily Dirt is about a popular video game series, known as "Skylanders." The games are about these little characters, appropriately named Skylanders, who take on an evildoer, named Kaos. That's not a typo. That is seriously how his name is spelled. With a K instead of a CH.

Now, I really like these games. Especially the latest one, "Skylanders: Trap Team," where you capture villains and force them to fight on your side. In all honesty, I'm not crazy about the whole fighting evil thing, but I suppose there really aren't any video games that put you on the side of evil. Eh. Go figure. Still, I happily recommend any Skylanders video games.

There's just one major problem. You have to _pay for extra characters_! You have to spend your hard-earned money - or alimony checks - on extra Sklyanders to play with! You don't even have to buy more to complete the games! And, in Trap Team, you have to purchase traps for the villains! It's a scam! That's what it is. Hm. I can't believe_ I_ didn't think of doing something this evil.

Ah, well. If anyone needs me, I'll be wasting my money on Skylanders and virtual traps that I don't need. I thought about bringing the Skylanders to life, but there is no way those guys would agree to help me take over the Tri-State Area.


	19. Heinz-O-Ween

**Heinz-O-Ween**

Happy Heinz-O-Ween, my minions! If you don't know what Heinz-O-Ween is, I'd be happy to tell you. Or, better yet, you could watch my YouTube Daily Dirt about it.

Basically, Heinz-O-Ween is like Halloween, except it's on October 30, and it's about me. Last year, I went as the scariest thing known to man or platypus: shameless self-promotion! Dun, dun, _dun_. Horrifying, am I right? Unfortunately, I seemed to be the only person in Danville who was celebrating my holiday, but I have a plan to change that. I'm going eliminate Halloween, and replace it with Heinz-O-Ween! Once people realize that the holiday is about me, they will be forced to make me the ruler of the entire Tri-State Area! Unless, of course, Perry the Platypus thwarts me scheme, like he always does...

Maybe I should dress up like him this year! That'll show him! He'll be so embarrassed that he'll never thwart my schemes ever again!

...

Perry here. Heinz is unable to continue typing, because he is currently unconscious. But, I can assure all of you that he's fine (probably) and that I am not the type to be embarrassed by such antics as the doofus dressing like me. And, don't worry. Halloween will remain a holiday. Heinz-O-Ween is just plain dumb.

Heinz is waking up. I better get going. Happy Halloween!


	20. Creepypasta and the Zombie Apocalypse

**Creepypasta was requested by evilforextracredit, the zombie apocalypse by Fan, and "Night of the Living Pharmacists" by Marissa Flynn.**

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**Creepypasta and the Zombie Apocalypse**

Welcome, my minions, to Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today, we will be discussing creepypasta. Let's start with the name: creepypasta. Why is it called that? What is creepy about pasta? The word itself doesn't even have anything to do with pasta. No, creepypasta is not a food for the undead. It's when you take a fandom and twist into something dark and sinister. Evil, in some cases.

Speaking of the undead, the zombie apocalypse has recently occurred in Danville and not in the way you may think. People did not rise from the dead and eat the brains of the living. Instead - and this is partially my fault - the living turned into mindless versions of me. How did this happen, you ask? Well, that's a long story. They actually made a movie about it, called "Night of the Living Pharmacists." By the way, _I am not a pharmacist_!

Although one good thing came out of that incident: I met these nice kids who were fellow inventors. They weren't evil, and they wouldn't let me install any self-destruct buttons, but I liked them. They seemed kind of familiar, but I still can't quite place it. Oh, well. I'm sure it'll come to me.


	21. Second Time Responding

**Second Time Responding**

It is time, once again, for Doof's Daily Dirt! Today, I'll be responding to some more of your little reviews. I've decided to do this every ten updates. Mostly because my first responses were after the tenth update, which...was a total coincidence. Let's get started, shall we? Wait, what does that even mean? "Shall." It doesn't even sound like a word. It's practically a filler, or something. Oh, well. That's an inator for another day. Let's get to those responses.

Love this story: I agree; _Roblox_ is a pretty good game.

Rosa Blythe: Who doesn't like a good ice cream sandwich? You know, besides people who are lactose-intolerant. Like me. I cannot eat ice cream sandwiches. Note to self: lactose-inator.

pircilla: Ah, yes. _King__dom Hearts_. It is a totally epic video game! It's not as good as the game I'm working on, though. At least, it won't be...when I think of a game...

FlamingWizardDice23: I couldn't agree more. What we need are multiple holidays about me. If that doesn't help me take over the Tri-State Area, nothing will.

anthony. hughes. 543908: Do you mean Mario? If so, you've got a serious typo in your review, man. Though, I will say that Mario is an oldy-but-a-goody. That's a saying, right? Also, I had to put spaces in your name, because Fanfiction wouldn't take it, other wise.

Galaxina-the-Seedrian: My initial reaction to Perry the Platypus being turned was shock and fear. Then, Vanessa turned, and that crossed the line! It's bad enough when you mess with my nemesis, but _no one_ messes with my baby girl! I'm talking to _you_, teenage boys!

SaveMeFromTheNothingI'veBecome: I really only have two anime shows that I like: _Pokémon_ and a few of the _Powerpuff Girls Z_ episodes. Don't judge me.

Okay, that's about it for these responses. By the way... Over one hundred reviews! Thank you so much! Not that the number of reviews and favorites and follows stokes my fragile ego or anything... Let's see if we can reach _two_ hundred! That would be something!


	22. Popular Snacks

**Marissa Flynn requested Oreos and Pringles.**

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**Popular Snacks**

Welcome to Doof's Daily Dirt! It's not actually posted daily, but I call it that anyway. Why? I don't know.

Today, I'm going to talk about some iconic snack foods. Let's start with Oreos. You all know what those are: little cookie sandwiches with cream in the middle. I know most people like the chocolate cookies the best, but I myself prefer the vanilla Oreos. Also, why do we need so many flavors of cream? It used to be vanilla and _only_ vanilla. Now, we have watermelon, lemon, birthday cake. There is a birthday cake flavored cream! What's next? Pumpkin spice? Oh, wait, I think they already have that.

Oh, and Pringles. Those things are yummy in my evil tummy. They too have many flavors, which makes sense, since they are potato chips. My favorite flavor would have to be bacon. The only problem is that bacon is a limited time flavor. That's not fair. Why make a flavor, if you're not going to sell it year-round? It's just a waste of a good product, that's what it is.

Chips Ahoy are pretty good too. They went from plain old chocolate chip to many, many flavors. They even have cookies with Reese's peanut butter cups in them. There's even a bunch of ice cream flavors. I personally cannot get enough of the root beer float flavored ones. They actually taste like root beer! Who knew?

I'd name more snacks, but there are just so many of them! Plus, I've kind of made myself hungry. But, what to eat? I've named three delicious products, all of which and more are in my pantry. Maybe that's why I'm having trouble losing weight...


	23. The Fourth Wall

**Request from Galaxina-the-Seedrian.**

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**The Fourth Wall**

Halloween is tomorrow, so I thought that I would talk to you about something truly terrifying. The most terrifying thing known to man or platypus... The fourth wall! I'm kidding. It's not that scary. But, I got your attention though, didn't I? I think I did.

Okay, so the fourth wall is the imaginary barrier between television and reality. And, sometimes, TV characters like to acknowledge those watching them. This is called "breaking the fourth wall." I break the fourth wall constantly in these Daily Dirts, because I am talking to you directly. I really am talking. I got one of those cool microphone thingies that let you say what you want to type. This way, I can prevent Perry the Platypus from hacking into my Daily Dirts ever again. Take that, Perry the Hacker-pus!

Back to the fourth wall. TV characters break said wall often, usually for comedic purposes. I do it a lot on _Phineas and Ferb_. That's right. I know I'm a cartoon character. I'm breaking the fourth wall by telling you this. See how it works?


	24. Election Day

**Election Day**

Welcome back to Doof's Daily Dirt! Well, actually it's more of a rant, and it's not actually posted daily. I don't know why I call it a Daily Dirt, when it's not daily, and half the time I'm not actually 'getting the dirt' on anything. Most of the time I just spew out facts and opinions and totally humiliate myself by saying something stupid.

Speaking of stupid, let's talk about Election Day. Election Day is when people vote for whatever moron they want to ruin the country with. Now, I usually try to stay away from the topic of politics but... Have I mentioned politicians sounding like goats? 'Cause, let's face it; politicians are stupid. The current government is ruining the country, and the voters are being hypnotized by smear campaigns and pop music ring tones to vote for people who are no smarter than warthogs.

It seems that I am the only one who is competent enough to run the country. That is why you all should vote for me, Heinz Doofenshmirtz. I'll be a great addition to the government. Plus, I'll have more power than my goody-two-shoes brother, Roger. Oh, yeah! This is my time! I can feel it. Or, that could just be gas. No. No, it's both. It's definitely both. As previously established, I totally humiliate myself be saying something stupid. I hope that gas comment the affect me negatively on the polls.


	25. Thanksgiving

**Thanksgiving**

Happy Turkey Day, ladies and gentle minions! It is I, your future ruler, here with a Thanksgiving installment of Doof's Daily Dirt!

Oh, how I love Thanksgiving! It's the one time of the year when you have an excuse to ignore your fad diet and eat until your pants explode. Okay, I'm fairly confident that pants can't explode. They can spontaneously combust - curtisy of my old pants-on-fire-inator - but they can't expode. You know, yet.

While seeing the family is great and all, everyone knows that the best part of Thanksgiving is the food. Cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, and who can forget the turkey. Mm, mm, mm! I am getting hungry just thinking about it.

And, here's something interesting about Thanksgiving: turkey bowling! I'm not sure you've heard of it, but I have. Turkey bowling is basically the same thing as bowling, but with a frozen turkey in the place of the bowling ball. But, what if we used a _live_ turkey? Huh? I mean, we eat turkeys. Why not bowl with them, too?

So, get out there and bowl with a turkey! And, when you're done, you can cook that turkey and eat him up! Or, her. Depending on the turkey's gender.


End file.
